I get torn about what to do.
Do I continue with what I've built? Do I evolve it? Do I stop and move my life into a completely new direction? Or perhaps do I disappear never to been seen again?
Every few months I'm confronted with this conflict. I never asked for a life of so much recognition. The truth is it was never my dream. When I was a teen and in my early twenties, my dream was to live in a secluded place peacefully where I can live out my days, enjoy the elements around me and die without anyone being aware.
Don't get me wrong, I love what I do. I love training and teaching Filipino Martial Arts to so many. The art has greatly improved my life and I enjoy sharing what I've learned to help others along their own journeys. But, it was never something I asked of. This was the only way I knew how to make a living not for me but for my family.
I don't know if you have ever felt this way but, there are times when I just want to destroy what I've built and simply disappear. The last couple of weeks have been challenging. There are many life changes heading my way that aim me towards my dreams. This is a good thing I believe but, it does create a bit of confusion. There is so much more I want to do than just teaching martial arts. I get tired of feeling obligated to answer people's questions who have no understanding of what my intensions of building have been for the past seven plus years. Most take from me and give nothing in return which is fine, I can deal with that but, honestly, I do feel that I don't have too.
I don't think people take me seriously when I say, "if you want to learn from me you better do it now." They must think it's some kind of marketing scarcity trick.
I love my students, who I refer to as my "real" students. Those who train with me and are a part of my deepest group. They are never the reason for me feeling the way I do. In all honesty, it's the rest of those who just talk and talk and talk. I'm to blame for it all of course. I put myself in the spotlight but, I had no other choice. I needed to so I could build a future for my family.
I don't come from a family that supported college education, or pushed for me to become something grand in life. I don't come from a family of "go getters." There was no financial help for my future. I had to figure out how to build my living from zero scrapping my way through. I got so much shit for it too from my peers and it's funny how so many of them are now doing what I did and what they used to give me shit for. Example, teaching my martial arts online is one.
Throughout my life, it seems as if this is a continuing pattern. I take the front of the storm and once the rain steads it's a grand opportunity for others. It's okay though. I know nobody else in my peer group has the courage to step up and do it and take the hits. I don't mind creating opportunities for others. I'm glad others can be successful I wouldn't want it any other way as far as that goes but, the conflict is, do I continue?
It's a conflict I've been struggling with off and on for years. I don't know if it's a common struggle for entrepreneurs but it is one I work through a number of times per year. I guess only time will tell.